So it’s been quite a while since I came here. I have just been there, yeaa just there.. I really have no idea what’s going on in my life, as I’m typing this its 0741hrs on a monday , I’m all huddled up in my bed my duvet pulled up to my head and it feels alright being in my own little cave! So yesterday I was listening to Sharon Mwangi’s vlog on how she struggled with mental health and depression from a break up for months and had to put up a facade for everyone else around her and how it drained all her energy.
Still on you tube I bumped into Bebe Rexha’s new song “I’m a mess”. Which ideally talks about love, mental health and depression. I have been struggling with mental health issues for the longest time ever, its just that they come in different phases of my life.
Well, lately people around me and myself have been struggling with alot to do with unrequited love, bad break ups and generally abusive relations with friends and lovers. This was a draft from September 2018.
A year on….
Its 18th September at noon, I’m here with my bowl quater way full of uji ,playing on repeat is Andreya Triana’s ‘heart to my hands.’ And I can relate to every single word of it. Been feeling soo drained lately by all the rush around my life lately except one rush course!. It feels like nothing is really moving , but I’m flying around without feeling what’s going around me
Everyone is screaming for help , putting up facades , crushing others , banging others against the wall hoping it gets better. I only wish someone told us adulthood is not easy, waking up every morning taking a shower ,and dressing up to go to a job that you would keep you stuck in that room every single day of your life, every single day.
What I know is, it always gets easier when you have your best pair of shoes on , I have lots of best pairs of shoes of which none is high heeled, well, it doesn’t make me less of a girl anyway.
Yesterday my life was at its peak, I took chances to overcome one of my fears and took a bike from town to pangani . Glasses on and I let loose and I felt like I wasn’t breathing, too much adrenaline, nothing around just wind blowing my way and for a minute there I felt like that is where I belonged , in that rush is where I felt alive!And its taken me 23years to realize that I belong to risks and fears, that I belong to the wind at dusk. That I’m not supposed to be caged, that I need to let loose !
That I’m not supposed to compromise for anything or anyone. That God loves me unconditionally
That I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me!