Time !( 1)

So it’s been quite a while since I came here. I have just been there, yeaa just there.. I really have no idea what’s going on in my life, as I’m typing this its 0741hrs on a monday , I’m all huddled up in my bed my duvet pulled up to my head and it feels alright being in my own little cave! So yesterday I was listening to Sharon Mwangi’s vlog on how she struggled with mental health and depression from a break up for months and had to put up a facade for everyone else around her and how it drained all her energy.

Still on you tube I bumped into Bebe Rexha’s new song “I’m a mess”. Which ideally talks about love, mental health and depression. I have been struggling with mental health issues for the longest time ever, its just that they come in different phases of my life.

Well, lately people around me and myself have been struggling with alot to do with unrequited love, bad break ups and generally abusive relations with friends and lovers. This was a draft from September 2018.

A year on….

Its 18th September at noon, I’m here with my bowl quater way full of uji ,playing on repeat is Andreya Triana’s ‘heart to my hands.’ And I can relate to every single word of it. Been feeling soo drained lately by all the rush around my life lately except one rush course!. It feels like nothing is really moving , but I’m flying around without feeling what’s going around me

Everyone is screaming for help , putting up facades , crushing others , banging others against the wall hoping it gets better. I only wish someone told us adulthood is not easy, waking up every morning taking a shower ,and dressing up to go to a job that you would keep you stuck in that room every single day of your life, every single day.

What I know is, it always gets easier when you have your best pair of shoes on , I have lots of best pairs of shoes  of which none is high heeled, well, it doesn’t make me less of a girl anyway.

Yesterday my life was at its peak, I took chances to overcome one of my fears and took a bike from town to pangani . Glasses on and I let loose and I felt like I wasn’t breathing, too much adrenaline, nothing around just wind blowing my way and for a minute there I felt like that is where I belonged , in that rush is where I felt alive!And its taken me 23years to realize that I belong to risks and fears, that I belong to the wind at dusk. That I’m not supposed to be caged, that I need to let loose !

That I’m not supposed to compromise for anything or anyone. That God loves me unconditionally

That I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me!

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A REBEL JUST FOR KICKS.😎

Tags

#society, rebel

So a week ago I was in a kenya bus, the 7C ones that go to upperhill and I was tired af! I just wanted to get home and strip, and lie naked in bed! Usually I always have this mean bitch face going on when I sit next to strangers so that they wouldn’t even think about initiating a conversation. It makes me feel great because it always works out perfect.Oh well, that day it didn’t and I ended up talking to some guy, he looked manly(not too cute and not ugly) and he smelled good. And most importantly he had this official kinda vibe going on and a provocative beard. Just the package I like a man in. Okay well, he asked me what I like, and I just smiled. I knew if I started talking about stuff I liked he would end up pissed!!

Well I’ve got a thing for people who are undeniably themselves, the ones with messy hair and even messier souls. Kinds of people with unmade beds with yesterday night’s wrappings of choclate. I’ve got a thing for people who laugh at their own jokes and have passion in their tears. I have too much love for “societie’s misfits” yes! All of them. Iam for the girls with tinny titties and those with sagging ones. Iam for people with un arranged teeth, those with braces and definately those with wild gaps on their teeth. I’ve got a thing for drunkards and their high moments, and when they start crying I fall inlove with their breakdowns and day dreams and the sparks in their eyes. I’m obsessed with all people who have the strength to remain soft and let their fire burn hard. These are the things I like, the type I’m inlove with. These are my people, the healers and feelers of the world, to yourselves be kind.

I was an angry teen. I had soo much anger in me for everything and everyone around me, life, God, parents, the president, the government, the woman who sold viazi karai in out neighbourhood, yes especially her!! She used to overdilute the ukwaju! And the boys who would spank my ass for nothing, but I’m still angry, its only that I’ve learnt to direct my anger elsewhere. I’ve never been lonely, I’ve only been in a room, alone, depressed, sad! Yes but I’ve not been lonely. I’ve felt awful and a misfit but I never felt that a person could enter the room and cure what was bothering me. Like a hansome well built man coming in and erotically rubbing my titties and giving me an intense clit job. Ah ah,No I’ve never given society that satisfaction. Loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It goes down to being at a party with strangers or in a stadium full of human beings cheering for something I don’t care about, that, I might feel loneliness. Or well, the typical crowd, ” wow, its friday night, what we gon do? Just sit there?” well yeaa, because there’s nothing out there.

Honestly, I’ve never really been fascinated by the night rush. I’d rather stay in bed with covers pulled up to my chin, it’s always good in there,just me and my body. Alot of things scare the shit out of me u know, like getting older, and getting married. It fuckin scares me, spare me from the relentless cage of routine and role play. I just want to feel free, but again solitude is dangerous, its very addictive.

Human relationships are strange you know. I mean , you are with one person a while, eating together, sleeping together and living with them, loving them, going places with them and then it just stops like boom! Somehow everyone ends up hurt, and that pain is what keeps them alive. Many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. And that’s just who they have become. They have no idea who they are outside the trauma and that the unknown can be terrifying. And u know sometimes pain is just pain no lesson no nothing just pain! And the most dangerous thing that we end up doing is romanticizing the past, allowing nostalgia to drag up old memories from depths of our hearts and fashion them into something they are not. We build a mirage from a memory and kneel before it like a false god and in the end we realize what we called love was nothing but false hope

.

Maybe you’ll ask ‘what is love then?’ well, I don’t have love figured out yet because everytime I thought I loved someone, another came around and I fell for them more..But I would tell you to stay away from people who peel the skin of other people, the versions they want , and force you to wear them. Love is when they love your flawed skin, love is when someone’s happiness is your happiness.Love is when you feel a person’s smile aginst your lips when you are kissing!!!

Kiddo the world is difficult, and we are all breakable. So just be kind. And I hope life treats you well, but if it doesn’t I hope you treat yourself well.

The First Day of The Rest of It.

Tags

#forgiveness, #startingover

There are soo many fragile things ,afterall people break easily and so do dreams and more often hearts are left scattered in tiny shards or cremated and left to follow the rhythm of the passing winds.These wounds finally heal!. Cuts from years past holding onto your present, maybe you wanted them to stay fresh. This wounds look the same. The shape of a familiar face, a carving made recently. Nocturnal tendencies, waking in similar skin. But we often try too hard to run from everything like the fact that some parts of us love the sadness, the anger, the torture. We fail to find them and ask those parts why !

At some point in our lives we tend to loose control of everything happening to us , and our lives become controlled by all the negative aura generated by people around us while we constantly convince ourselves to believe its fate. In real sense nobody warns you about yourself, the red in your eyes or the trap in your tongue. In the end the person who hurts you the most will be you, almost everytime, just you! You had better learn to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself instantly, its a skill you going to need until you die.

We beat ourselves so much over things gone wrong, failed conversations, missed connections where all that remains is what is unsaid. And we fail to forgive , let go and start over.

“..And suddenly you know. Its time to start over and trust the magic of new beginnings. ” -Meister Eckhart.

Nobody likes starting over, or maybe atleast no one i know but sometimes life forces you to detoxify. Sure, there those rare, crazy ones who love the thrill of new ventures. But if u’ve spent time building something you know its hard to begin, really hard to start over. But I think there’s this unexplainable beauty in letting go and starting over.

Its 25 days into this new year and all these time I’ve been trying out new things, well about new things I tried the ‘slurrp yoghurt + juicr mixed berries ‘ flavour of Daima yoghurt and I think Im letting go of the strawberry flavour. I wont lie that I’ve finally mastered the art of letting go and starting over through this self discovery journey that I embarked on. Im still working on it. See the thing about me is that i suck at letting go! I take all things soo personally. I want to understand what went wrong and and if there’s something that could be done to fix it. I believe in fixing things and empathy instead of just throwing them away. Though recently ive learned that somethings just dont need understanding because its not always about you, what you did wrong or what you could have done better, sometimes its them who are wrong.

The society we live in should not control any of your emotions. It shouldnt make you believe that your anger has to be polite, as if it does not hurt us, as if it is not righteous. The same society does not believe in the spirituality of their ancestors, but when they tell them a virgin gave birth to The Son of man and three wise men visited, they scream and shout Hallelujahs!The same people who only think black looks beautiful only on Lupita Nyong’o or Nyakim Gatwech.well, im just trying to say take your time to know what you want and who you are.

There is no statute of limitations on starting over. Re-invent in yourself everyday. Be the girl who walks barefoot with messy hair and listens to blues and ttomorrow wear a trenchcoat and speak fierce truths. Be a phoenix. Be ashes. Burn down. Resurrect. And let go of the idea that you must be what you have always been! Build yourself with small actions of self love, like the ability to say and truly mean “I deserve better.” and be able to forgive everyone who ever hurt you because at some point they made you smile and above all forgive yourself. Take care of your mind body and soul. Drink lots of water and make liwa masks for your face.

We walked to the wall holding hands as dry as sheets of paper, love was inprinted in our fingers indelibly. And as they say people grow and heal when they are loved genuinely. The unrequinted love should not make you less human, just love them, its gonna heal a soul, and that is being human! I ran my knuckles against the rough bricks, painted upon over and over. I always felt I could feel the humanity in me even for the most hateful things.

Today is the first day of the rest of it. Ofcourse there will be other first days but none exactly like this..

To my little girl; SCARS TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL.

Girls these days dont make it through their youth unscathed. They dont survive childhood without finding something in the mirror to change

Dear AFRIKA,

I watched you tonight , staring at yourself in the mirrow in a gleeful awe. You twirled in delight over the little white dress I got you, well my sweet girl,I got you that because you always pick on stuff with shades of white and my love you looked so beautiful. And yea as u said pink is not the only colour for princesses. And the little puff I held your afro in.

Just last night you were asking me why you are the only one in school whose hair is not relaxed and straightened. Well, baby girl, I remember I told you that you not everyone my sweet girl, you are Iris. I saw you smile as you checked yourself out and ran your little fingers in your curls, and batted your beautiful huge round eyes which finally caught me staring and you said,”I pretty , mommy” and I said, “Yes my love, you gonna be the prettiest girl today in your pre-school bowl”. And you ran and put your tiny arms in mine all ecstatic. Theres no greater joy my love than to see you so happy and confident as a woman.

But my love, somehow in there I had questions that made my eyes and wet. Baby , as I watched you confident about the little girl staring back at you from the mirror, I wondered how long it might be before the confidence breaks into shards and fades away. Before you start picking the image apart into tiny pieces, instead of glorifying her up the way you did tonight.

That you are the most beautiful woman. That your roundface is perfect and your large eyes, chubby cheeks, full lips, kinky hair, alittle nose and baby your eyebrow is alittle sharply raised, hahahah, yea I know but its kinda our thing grandma , you and I. It makes us stand out from everyone else, it makes our eyes sparkle. My little Iris I want you to always see the beauty I see in you both inside and out.

My sweetgirl I havent changed a thing about you since you came into this world, thats why i never relaxed your hair and nobody should make you second guess your kinky wavy african crown. In Americanah – a book by chimamanda Ngozi she says,

relaxing your hair is like being in prison.Your caged in. your hair rules you.you dont go running with cart because you dont wanna sweat out this straightness.And thats not what it was created to be.

I want you to remember that the things that seem like weaknesses, that seem like weird things that make you strange- when you become my age and get into the world, youre gonna find out that all those are your greatest strengths.Never forget to pray to God and thank Him for His blessings and the gift of life through your daddy and I.

I know as you grow older, you’ll get brainwashed by societie’s expectations . And since you are a girl its standards of you ars wicked and destructive. Perfection standards of weight, body shape and unattainable ideals. And as years are going by , the poison is gonna catch up with you and this will eat up your self-esteem little by little or take it all at once.

My sweetgirl when that time comes, and you find yourself in the mirror yearning for bigger breasts, loathing the sharp curve of your eyebrow or the colour of your eyes or frowning at the texture of your hair. Darling I hope you remember how beautiful mommy says you are. And that beauty wont just come from the physical image in the mirror, but more from your kindness towards others, your empathy and compasion.just look at your image and smile!

Somehow you will start attending parties where alcohol will be flowing, marijuana and sheesha everywhere and inhibitions will be lowered. You have to be on the look out for boys who wont respect you. Those who think you owe them something for flirting with them. Nobody’s filthy hands should touch your body without your concent.

I pray that you grow to be a very strong and confident woman , God-fearing and hardworking and above all my little angel love the skin you are in. And hey I know my nose percing fascinates you, you’ll get one when you become old enough, hahahahaha. And oh, my sweetgirl after you read this go listen to my all time favourites scars to your beautiful by Alessia Cara.

Love,Mommy♥.

Letters I wish I could send.

Tags

#love #gone

Im staring at old photographs, some are old and tattered, others shady and torn. These are the treasures I keep , the only old things that have smiles shinning bright. The only physical contact I can keep with you right now, this is for the beautiful souls that God loved too much. This is for the now beautiful angels always guiding us. This is for all my friends that went to the skies too soon.

Hey darlings,

Im now in my early 20s , well, I dress pretty well somedays and put on perfect make up and other days I dress homelessly. I feel so old to be honest, like literally as old as you can feel with nothing figured out yet. Remember how we had life figured out, how well we had planned our 20s would be. Maybe if u guys were around somehow I wouldnt have felt this lost and messed up. Maybe , just maybe everything would be perfect!

I still love jewellery too much,But nowadays I prefer african ones and very tiny gold necklaces which apparently is still expensive for me so I make sure I go by the Hilton Arcade at the muhindi’s shop just to look at it, lol! I know you woulda gotten it for me somehow.

Ive fallen inlove with different kinds of men since I knew about emotions and intimacy mostly the ones I shouldnt have dared move close to even an inch. So sweethearts my heart has been broken a hundred times over by each One of them ,0 and you remember how i hated military men and always swore not to move near them. Well, i fell inlove with one, a very huge and handsome man. He was the best person i ever met i guess, But hey, I really never broke vow, he was smart enough to tell me, he was in the military after i fell for him. But i hope you pray for me to the Lord to show me better days

Life has turned out all crazy guys, I dont trust anybody nowadays. well, ive seen dark days. seen it all, betrayal from people i love, people i hold close to my heart.people i could take bullets. You wont get it sweethearts maybe, but im trying to say that you guys are in a better place actually the best place. Because maybe i would have turned out to be a bad friend.

I miss our days together, i miss How easy life was for us. but i hated the fact that you people never ever gave me the chance to be mama when we played kalongo. lately ive been thinking alot about the 10 kids I wanna mother. And I also think of marriage alot nowadays, well pretty much with a fancy wedding .lol!

But I hope u guys are doing fine, I hope u are foodies like Iam. I hope you think about me once in a while, I hope that when u do it makes you smile. I hope that when my time comes, I wont be as messy as Iam.

Xoxo , Goodbye… Maybe.

Yours truly,

Gasherie ♥.

Bring some love too

“What the hell are perfect places??! I mean what is perfection anyway!!!! 😼😼” Well, thats not a question, I dont need societies answers. I dont need its critism and overration of mediocrity. I just dont need its patriachy because iam a woman who posses breasts or its disregard on some things because Iam a man with grown balls. Talk of balls , balls that Move around living cries. Yes cries! Not a single cry!

Sarah wanjiru A healthy little girl, with little rash on her scaly skinwho is about 3kg as I gauged, just as per now a day old and some few hours.

Cecilia a 15 year old girl whose now a mother to sarah. Of medium height that is alittle bit taller than me , with a dark complexion and a well built luhya physique. He face full of innocence and And countless pimples with little dark sports of healing blackheads that were less evident due to the her ‘popin melanin’ as it is said. She hardly smiles but at a close look i saw a beautiful gap in her alittle tanned teeth. Her hair was short, kinky and tattered. Her eyes were full of rage despite her efforts to avoid eye contact, they were dark rimmed , haunted and sad! She talked less at a very low voice..

Our first encounter was all screams and gushes of raw blood. The place was all chaos with sauti sols mbozi za malwa hit playing .. The only line i remember was ” looking for love in all the wrong places” I watched her push while she screamed. My whole body was sweaty And shivery, As i screamed for the last time puuuuuuuuuush! the little girl cried all bloody and full of clots and after baths.

“If you wanna be safe , just walk in the middle of thr street, and im not kidding . you’ve been told to look both ways before crossing the street, and the sidewalk is your friend right? Well, No! Very wrong!!! I’ve spent years walking sidewalks at night.I’ve looked around me , when it got dark and there were men following me, creeping out of alleyways attempting to goad me into speaking to them and shouting obsceneties at me when i wouldnt. So my safe place is the middle street. But why would i risk it though? Because the odds are in my favour .come to think of it there is a higher Percentage of rape cases in a day compared to someone being hit by a car. Therefore thats my safe place! And this little girl is fatherless, just because the father chose to gag my mouth and lay me In an alley full of urine and other wastes! ” She said.

And for the first time Cecilia opened up to me ,and she took her little baby and kissed her passionately and that, that is real love. you know what perfection is definately overrated!!!! And every man should bring a woman some love, regardless of how!

Yours truly

~gasherie~ ♥♥

Yours truly, the girl ♥

If chaos is a piece of art, then my heart is a masterpiece. D. Antoinnette Foy.

This is from me to you ,actually its from us ; mind ,body and soul.

This is for a girl , a little girl who feels lost in a world full of judgemental people. A little girl who dares to feel more than she should, a girl who talks through words. This is for the girl whose heart has been tattered into shards left ungathered by no one

This is for a girl who has sleepless nights stairing blankly at the ceiling . One who cries her self to sleep , whose tearsocked pillow feels her pain . whose mornings have no sunshine and her face is always pale and puffy

This is for her who feels like she is too much for everyone, like she is a liability .This is for a girl with pimply bumpy skin,and cracked lips .

This is for her with lightning across her hips and butt , one with kinky tattered hair and discoloured teeth. One with flawed parts all over her

This is for her in her 20s and feels like she has nothing figured out yet. For her who has never been kissed or gotten a love letter.

This is fir the times she feels unappreciated, the hidden anger and despair in her smile .for the times no one believes in her.

This is for the words she leaves unsaid and smiles just instead with an “its okay”. For the times she listens to sad songs and writes sad poetry. This is for the words she writes and nobody ever reads

This is for the beautiful soul reading this, love yourself and only then will u get it all figured out

♥XOXO ♥ ~gasherie.

GREEN OR NOT

Everyone is struggling with either emotional , spiritual ,psychological  and maybe societal fitting. So most people forget the beauty of life and the little simple things that come with it.

Darling you deserve it all

you deserve magic and peace and joy-dancing in your eyes

you deserve hearty, deep belly laughter and sometimes just sit listen to Sia Kate Isobelle Furler and let those tears fall

you deserve to burn for the things you desire  and get adventure out of them

you deserve to have to make dump , funny, painful choices  which will make u feel alive

you deserve days of bliss , when you feel you can conquer the world and absolutely take in life’s beauty and also those days you feel  like squidward and you cannot even   convince you to wake up

when  all you can do is watch spongebob and do silly stuff along with laughing at the stupidiest things